


It's Expensive to Look this Cheap

by pyrexprodigy



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Actual Dragon Terezi Pyrope, Alternate Universe, Angst, F/F, Fuck Wyoming, Humanstuck, Latula loves her sister, Road Trips, The Western United States, They're all about twenty-eight in this I guess?, They're from California if you didn't pick that up in the fic, misogynistic language, pre-blind Terezi, then not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-23
Updated: 2015-07-23
Packaged: 2018-04-10 18:58:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4403450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pyrexprodigy/pseuds/pyrexprodigy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nepeta and her girlfriend are the best thing that has happened to this country since Kitkats. Just don’t ask the owner of the rural Utah bar they burned down.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Expensive to Look this Cheap

**Author's Note:**

> Okay. This fic went places. It went so many places.
> 
> It was ORIGINALLY supposed to be more of a vigilante story (kind of inspired by a Harley Quinn/Poison Ivy comic I saw once? I don't know) with these two lovely ladies accidentally saving people in a few different states.
> 
> BOY DID THAT WORK OUT. The result is a mess that went from angst to... Whatever the hell the ending is.
> 
> Uh. Anyway. Enjoy?

Her name is Nepeta Leijon, and she’s never really had a taste for corn. Unfortunately, that seems to be the only thing in Idaho. Honestly, who the fuck would ever come to Idaho? It’s a mystery why it even fucking exists.

Admittedly, she hasn’t slept in roughly forty-eight hours and Terezi’s been asleep in the back for so long that the snoring is starting to get to her. Their car rattles on down the empty road, the miles slowly shifting as Nepeta’s hands remain on the steering wheel. She wishes for a pothole or a speed bump or something. That would be hilarious.

Terezi usually drives. Technically, Nepeta’s license expired about three months ago and they’d really rather not bring too much attention to themselves (well, that was before the incident in Idaho And then the one in Arizona. Damn, how many incidents had there been? She was beginning to lose count.) But Terezi’s been fast asleep for so long that she must really need the rest. Before this trip, Nepeta hadn’t seen the girl asleep much. They tended to sleep together, in the same bed, at the same time. This was a new experience that seemed to be quickly losing its charm.

Another goddamn bird hits the windshield and Nepeta stops herself from slamming on the brakes. This entire trip has been nothing short of a disaster. She had never intended to end up as some sort of travelling vigilante, but after that last town… Well, she really couldn’t deny it anymore.

The whole thing had started when Terezi quit her job at Sparrow and Fink, the attorney’s office she had been at since graduating. After stumbling home drunk, the girl had muttered something about injustice and fallen asleep.

The next morning, Nepeta was woken up by a suitcase being thrown on the bed and the clank of the safe in their closet.

She never really got the whole story, but if what Terezi needed in order to get over the injustice of her final case with Sparrow and Fink was a road trip, she could manage that. Terezi was well-enough off that they wouldn’t have to worry about anything, though having Vriska take care of their house… She couldn’t say that had been the brightest idea.

The first stop had been somewhere in their state, right on the border. That first day, Terezi had kept driving for hours. At one point, Nepeta had fallen asleep in the passenger seat. She finally woke up when Terezi pulled up outside a motel and attacked her mouth with a passionate kiss.

“Thanks,” the ex-lawyer had murmured to her. “I needed this.”

The rest of the night is better left off not told in detail.

After leaving California, they found themselves skirting around most of Nevada and driving straight on into Utah. It was okay at first. A bigot or two made a comment, but they’d roll their eyes and move on without so much as a blink towards said bigot.

Then, well. There was that bar.

Some dingy little place right on the edge of Colorado and Utah where all the local scumbags seemed to accumulate was where Terezi chose to take Nepeta for a drink one night. They joined in on a pool game; Terezi was piss-poor, but at least Nepeta could hold the damn pool cue. Nepeta wasn’t much for drinking, but she tried Terezi’s fruity whatever the fuck it was. The result was a face of disgust and trademark Pyrope laughter.

It really wasn’t their fault. Okay, maybe Terezi’s. But the other dude had started it.

Nepeta could still remember what he smelled like when he ran into her, stepping on her foot as he went. Stale cigarettes and a sober sadness that made her nose wrinkle. Whatever reason he was in there that night, it couldn’t be good. Too bad Terezi made it worse.

She isn’t sure how it escalating, but suddenly a mostly-sober Terezi was yelling at the douche to apologizing and he was saying something about disrespectful bitches. When he pulled the knife, Terezi loaded a mouthful of vodka between her lips from some strangers glass and raised her lighter, spitting the alcohol at the man. Nepeta was well informed of the fact that high-school Terezi’s dragon obsession had gotten bad enough for her to want to breathe fire, but this was pushing it, even for Terezi.

Luckily, the only thing that got set on fire was the dude’s jacket. Soon enough, that had been thrown behind the counter and before she knew it, flames leapt up the wood. Terezi pulled her out of there with the crowds of crazed customers.

Her hands tighten around the steering wheel as she recalls. Since then, shit has hit the fan. There was that girl in Colorado, the one they had picked up for a few miles and dropped off outside her college. That was weird. Then there was the asshole in Texas. They ended up handcuffing him to a bike rack. Why Terezi had handcuffs, Nepeta had no idea and didn’t really want to ask.

Hopefully, things could only get better from here.

* * *

 

“How do you accidentally rob a bank?” Vriska demands on the phone later. Terezi is laughing too hard to explain and Nepeta has to admit the entire situation is too damn amusing for its own good.

“No, we didn’t rob a bank,” Nepeta explains with patience. “We looked like the two girls who robbed the bank.”

“Wow, I’m a bit disappointed I missed this trip,” Vriska’s voice crackles over the bad reception. They’re driving quickly away from the last town they had entered, the one where they almost got arrested for robbing a bank.

Nepeta shakes her head in the passenger seat and sighs. The phone is on speaker in the cupholder between them and she’s sure Nepeta can hear Terezi’s giggling easily.

“Believe me, it’s more trouble than it’s worth,” Terezi says in a very unconvincing way. It’s probably because she’s laughing so hard. Maybe they should just pull over until she’s done being manic. “Enough about us. How’s Feferi?”

Had Vriska been in the room with them, Nepeta knows her face would have gone dark with an intense blush at that moment. Few things can get to Vriska; Terezi and Feferi are two of those things. One mentioning the other was even worse.

Without a word, the line goes dead, and Terezi keeps laughing until she’s crying. Nepeta thinks she should probably just go to bed and pulls into the nearest motel parking lot. Terezi’s savings are more than enough to pay for the room for a night and Nepeta manages to convince Terezi to detach herself from Nepeta’s mouth long enough to take a shower. Maybe she’s underestimated how badly her girlfriend is taking the loss of her job. It didn’t seem to bother her at first, but after a few weeks on the road… Well, they’ve seen better days.

“Come to bed with me?” Terezi asks in a slurred voice. Nepeta sighs and crawls into the bed next to her, feeling the other girl shiver at the chill of her own skin. Terezi is like a furnace, always has been, which certainly matches her fiery personality. Nepeta, on the other hand, is a cool green; she takes in warmth, but more often than not she’s chilled on the surface.

Nepeta lets her head relax on the pillow next to Terezi’s and finds herself staring at the other girl. Terezi has her eyes closed, but from the ease of her breath Nepeta can tell she’s awake and probably will be for some time. Under the blanket, Terezi squeezes her hand.

Nepeta isn’t sure what to do after that.

In the morning, Nepeta is driving again. Terezi insists on it, saying she didn’t sleep well and might want to take a nap later. She doesn’t fall asleep once.

Vriska doesn’t call. She’s probably still wounded about the mention of Feferi. Honestly, Nepeta has no idea what is wrong with those two. They flip between love, hate, and apathy more often than Terezi laughs in a day. Terezi’s sister calls, again, for the twelfth time this week. Nepeta doesn’t ask why Terezi doesn’t answer, but she doesn’t.

There’s a few calls from a caller ID Nepeta doesn’t recognize. She doesn’t ask about that either.

For lunch, they stop off in some roadside diner. On the list of shitty places they’ve been to on this trip, it’s near the bottom. If not for the weird, chunky ketchup it might even be taken off the list entirely.

“Where to next?” Nepeta asks between bites of burger. Terezi has opted for a chicken salad. Admittedly, it has jello and other weird things Nepeta doesn’t want to think about in salad, but it’s still a bit weird.

Terezi shrugs. She knows exactly where to and they’re both aware of it. They are also aware that they’re both aware of it, but nothing is said. This trip just keeps getting weirder.

“Feel like a big city?” Terezi asks.

“No, I feel like a Nepeta.”

Terezi kicks her under the table while Nepta snorts. A chunk of fry lodges in her throat and she spends a moment choking before Terezi picks up on her train of thought.

“I mean, it might be nice to see something that isn’t just a shitty old museum, but what do I know?” Terezi says.

“A lot, actually,” Nepeta replies. “You’re the one that went to college.”  
Terezi gives her that shark-toothed grin. “True.”

They don’t go to a big city.

* * *

 

Where they do go to is a camping ground up in Wyoming, which is just as fucking boring as it’s always been made out to be. Nepeta had thought Idaho looked deserted, but this… Well, the Cowboy State really took the cake.

The plus side is the mountains. When Nepeta finally manages to find her way to a camping ground up in the Rocky Mountains, she can’t help but stare with wide eyes at their surroundings. The sky is so vast and clear that it’s overwhelming.

Terezi pulls out her lighter and sets up a campfire, pulling Nepeta onto a blanket beside her. They’re lucky it’s spring, because the only chill there is happens to be the soft wind. The two of them lean against the wooden bench behind them, likely made from trees right there in the park. Nepeta can’t help but feel relaxed, like maybe this trip isn’t some huge disaster waiting to happen. Because if she knows Terezi, something like that is going to happen. She loves her, she really does, but Terezi’s been a mess ever since this started.

But right now, as Terezi pulls out a bag of marshmallows, she doesn’t have to worry about that. All she has to worry about is not getting melted chocolate in her hair as Terezi throws a s’more at her.

* * *

 

The next day, they wake up with messy hair and sooty clothing.

* * *

 

The next day, they stop by a convenience store by the highway and Terezi buys a pair of red sunglasses.

“They look stupid,” Nepeta lies.

Terezi grins and buys them anyway.

* * *

 

When they get to North Dakota, Nepeta realizes Terezi hasn’t driven since Idaho.

* * *

 

The next day, she and Terezi stay past sign out time at the motel and giggle as they make bubble hats in the bathtub.

* * *

 

The next day, Terezi tells her that she’s going blind.

* * *

 

The next day-

Wait.

What?

* * *

 

“What do you mean, you’re going blind?” Nepeta asks. She’s calm. She’s so, so calm. No one in the entire universe has ever been as calm as she has at this moment. Nepeta is the fucking queen of being 100% fine and calm and just fucking dandy.

“I mean that as time drags on my eyes will slowly no longer fucking work,” Terezi replies as she reaches for creamer. She’s nonchalant in a way that make her seem like she goes blind every day, but Nepeta, who’s known her for too long, knows she cares.

“When did this happen?” Nepeta asks. She’s the good girlfriend, which means that she’ll help Terezi and try to understand the situation. Even if she’s been completely blindsided.

Fucking puns.

“Latula took me to get checked out. Apparently it’s a genetic thing,” Terezi says. “Mom lost her sight by thirty. Guess I’m the lucky one who drew the early card.”

“Was this before or after you got fired?”

Terezi inhales sharply but answers the question. “Before,” she says.

“Isn’t that illegal? That has to be illegal,” Nepeta states, all fury and fire for Terezi’s benefit. She stopped eating right after Terezi started this conversation and she hasn’t focused on her food since.

Terezi shrugs. Because obviously it doesn’t matter. “What do you want me to do, sue a law firm?” Terezi asks. “I’ll just get another job. God knows I have the resume for it.”

Nepeta hesitates before asking her next question. “So is that what this trip has been about? You were upset about the news.”

“I wasn’t upset, I just-”

“Terezi, you’re allowed to be upset. And besides that, why didn’t you tell me before we left? I would have been fine if-”

“No, okay, that wasn’t the point. I just wanted-”

“What did you want? Really, what was the purpose of this whole fucking-”

“I wanted to see the world with you, Nepeta.”

An argument that was hardly an argument in the first place grinds to a hault. It’s like the world stops. On its axis, it simply ceases spinning, frozen for the longest goddamn time while the two women sit across from each other and just stare.

“So this… We were seeing the world together?” Nepeta says in a way that’s empty, yet contemplative. Her mind is a mess of whirring gears in the aftermath of Terezi’s comment.

“Yeah.”

Nepeta’s hand is on Terezi’s now, and she knows it’s okay because Terezi doesn’t pull away. “Okay,” she says. “Where to next?”

* * *

 

_“Hi, you’ve reached the voicemail of Terezi Pyrope. I’m sorry that I can’t come to the phone, but if you leave a message I’ll make sure to call you back as soon as possible.”_

“Hi, Terezi. It’s ‘Tula. I’m just calling to check in. Wow, we really got the results back quickly, right? Heh… Uh, anyway, call me back? Love you, ‘rezi.”

 

_“Hi, you’ve reached the voicemail of Terezi Pyrope. I’m sorry that I can’t come to the phone, but if you leave a message I’ll make sure to call you back as soon as possible.”_

“Miss Pyrope, this is Doctor Lalonde’s assistant. The packets your sister requested are ready for your pickup. She also mentioned something about a follow-up. If you’re interested, please do call us back and make an appointment. Goodbye.”

 

_“Hi, you’ve reached the voicemail of Terezi Pyrope. I’m sorry that I can’t come to the phone, but if you leave a message I’ll make sure to call you back as soon as possible.”_

“Hi! It’s me again. Sorry to bother you; I’m sure you’re busy. What did you think about maybe having a follow-up appointment? I talked to Doctor Lalonde about medication and stuff and she seems pretty optimistic. I mean, medicine has really improved since Mom was young! Yeah. Uh. Bye, Terezi. Love you.”

 

_“Hi, you’ve reached the voicemail of Terezi Pyrope. I’m sorry that I can’t come to the phone, but if you leave a message I’ll make sure to call you back as soon as possible.”_

“Terezi, I’m really starting to get worried. You haven’t called me back and I’m trying not to call you too much. But isn’t this a big thing? I mean, it’s not like it’s a huge problem! I’m sure we can getcha through it, ‘Rezi. But… Just call the doctor, okay? Okay. Bye.”

 

_“Hi, you’ve reached the voicemail of Terezi Pyrope. I’m sorry that I can’t come to the phone, but if you leave a message I’ll make sure to call you back as soon as possible.”_

“Terezi, this is your mother speaking. What’s this I hear about you losing your job? And from Vriska’s bitch of a mom, of all people? Call me back; I’d love to hear the explanation for this one.”

 

_“Hi, you’ve reached the voicemail of Terezi Pyrope. I’m sorry that I can’t come to the phone, but if you leave a message I’ll make sure to call you back as soon as possible.”_

“You know full well it’s your mother again. Call me back. And while you're at it, call Latula, too.”

 

_“Hi, you’ve reached the voicemail of Terezi Pyrope. I’m sorry that I can’t come to the phone, but if you leave a message I’ll make sure to call you back as soon as possible.”_

“Terezi, did you seriously lose your job? What the fuck, I thought you were doing great there! If it’s about the blind thing you know that Mom’ll have their asses in court in a minute. Pft, who cares if she’s almost retired? She’ll win it. I know she will.”

 

_“Hi, you’ve reached the voicemail of Terezi Pyrope. I’m sorry that I can’t come to the phone, but if you leave a message I’ll make sure to call you back as soon as possible.”_

“Terezi. Just. Pick up, please.”

 

_“Hi, you’ve reached the voicemail of Terezi Pyrope. I’m sorry that I can’t come to the phone, but if you leave a message I’ll make sure to call you back as soon as possible.”_

“It’s Vriska. It’s like four in the fucking morning and your mom came up to your apartment banging on the door like a maniac. Did you tell her about your soul-searching journey with your girl or what? Because if this happens again I’m dragging your ass back here so you can explain it in person.”

 

_“Hi, you’ve reached the voicemail of Terezi Pyrope. I’m sorry that I can’t come to the phone, but if you leave a message I’ll make sure to call you back as soon as possible.”_

“Terezi fucking Pyrope. Why didn’t you tell me you were leaving town? Call me immediately.”

 

_“Hi, you’ve reached the voicemail of Terezi Pyrope. I’m sorry that I can’t come to the phone, but if you leave a message I’ll make sure to call you back as soon as possible.”_

“Jesus christ, it’s happening again? Do you hear that? That noise in the background? That’s the fucking door being knocked off it’s hinges! I swear to god, Terezi, I’ll-”

“...”

“Haha. Uh, never mind. It’s Feferi. Talk to you later, Sister.”

 

_“Hi, you’ve reached the voicemail of Terezi Pyrope. I’m sorry that I can’t come to the phone, but if you leave a message I’ll make sure to call you back as soon as possible.”_

“Mom just called and told me that Vriska’s at your apartment? And you aren’t? Where the fuck are you, ‘Rezi?”

 

_“Hi, this is Terezi Pyrope. I can’t come to the phone right now because I’m on a sick-ass soul-searching tour of the good old USA with the love of my life. She says hi, too, by the way. I’ll make sure to call you back when I’m not enjoying the hell out of myself. See you all soon!”_

“Terezi for the love of fuck come back Feferi expects sex _every night now_.”

“Give me the phone, Vriska! Oh, hi, Terezi! Thanks for letting Vriska watch your place! It’s nice to have somewhere private. You know, away from roommates. Vriska will call you back later! Bye!”

 

_“Hi, this is Terezi Pyrope. I can’t come to the phone right now because I’m on a sick-ass soul-searching tour of the good old USA with the love of my life. Please leave your message after the beep, as long as it isn’t about your gross sex life. Thanks for that, by the way, Feferi.”_

“Soul-searching? What the hell, ‘Rezi? Did you know that Mom almost castrated the postman? Get the fuck back here!”

 

_“Hi, this is Terezi Pyrope. I can’t come to the phone right now because I’m on a sick-ass soul-searching tour of the good old USA with the love of my life. Please leave your message after the beep, as long as it isn’t about your gross sex life. Thanks for that, by the way, Feferi.”_

“I honestly thought your behavior couldn’t get any more appalling. I was wrong. I want you home immediately.”

 

_“Hi, this is Terezi Pyrope. I can’t come to the phone right now because I’m on a sick-ass soul-searching tour of the good old USA with the love of my life. Please leave your message after the beep, as long as it isn’t about your gross sex life or that one time in college where you set a Nerf bullet on fire and launched it at a high school boy and made him cry. Yes, Mz. Serket told me that story, Mom.”_

“Holy shit, did your mom seriously do that? That’s hardcore, Terezi!”

“Uh, anyway. I just called to like… Check up on you? Latula said something about the doctor and you haven’t been calling as often. But, hey, I trust my favorite Scourge Sister to be all right. Just stay safe, okay? See you soon.”

 

_“Hi, this is Terezi Pyrope. I can’t come to the phone right now because I’m on a sick-ass soul-searching tour of the good old USA with the love of my life. Please leave your message after the beep, as long as it isn’t about your gross sex life or that one time in college where you set a Nerf bullet on fire and launched it at a high school boy and made him cry. Yes, Mz. Serket told me that story, Mom.”_

**_“Terezi please explain to me why you updated your relationship status on FaceBook to ‘married.’”_ **

 

 


End file.
